This is the end of chapter one so let me know what you think!!! Thanks for your reviews!!
As she escaped back out into the fresh air Amarie reflected on her dismal visit with Ruslan. What had him so nervous? How had he known exactly what she needed? His talk of unexpected danger and unknown dangers had given her goose bumps. Even though the day was warming up nicely Amarie found herself pulling her cloak closer to her body. The brightly lit and busy General Store was a welcomed reprieve for Amarie. Always efficient Amarie selected a compass, a package of fabric bandages, a nice sheepskin canteen, a small sack of flour, a cast iron skillet, and some flint and steel.
“Planning a trip?” The lanky store owner asked as he calculated her purchases. Half elf and half human he had the pointed ears of an elf but stood at a normal height and would only live for half a century.
“Just a brief one,” Amarie conceded still feeling uneasy.
“That’ll be six copper and a piece of silver.” He said showing her the total on a piece of parchment.
Amarie pulled out her purse dreading how light it felt. She emptied the contents onto the counter, her stomach plummeting. Nine copper clinked dully on the wood.
“I’ll put the silver on your tab,” the owner offered kindly as he scooped up the six copper.
“Thank you,” Amarie mumbled a crimson tint creeping onto her cheeks. Swiftly, she gathered her purchases and her meager three copper practically running out of the store.
A little disconcerted Amarie made her final stop at the blacksmith where her horse was being kept in his stables. The blacksmith was half giant towering above Amarie at a substantial eight feet. Amarie figured he weighed a good four hundred pounds. And he was considered the runt in his family!
“Amarie!” Davelle’s voice boomed as she entered. He dunked the horseshoe he was working on into a bucket of water, the hot metal hissing. “What can I do you for?”
“Just need Mystic ready this afternoon,” Amarie informed him as he placed the finished shoe into a pile with a dozen others.
“Going on a trip?” Amarie could tell he was smiling by the way his eyes crinkled since his mouth was hidden by an unruly brown beard. “Are you in need of a new sword? I know that rusty old thing you have can’t possibly be useful.”
Amarie grinned half-heartedly. “I think mine will hold up for now.” She would’ve loved to buy a new sword especially one of Davelle’s craftsmanship. But three copper wouldn’t even make a dent in that type of purchase. Already she was worrying about how she would pay for the bill she racked up at the inn.
“Suit yourself,” he shrugged his colossal shoulders. “Bring by that hunk of metal you have when you pick up Mystic and I’ll give it a quick sharpening.”
“I really can’t afford," Amarie began to confess.
He held up a hand the size of an infant, “think of it as a farewell gift.”
“Thanks Davelle,” Amarie turned to leave.
“Be careful on your way to Kaysheek,” Davelle warned when she was almost out the door.
“Thanks,” Amarie called over her shoulder. She scrunched her forehead in concentration. Had she told him she was going to Kaysheek? Shaking her head she made her way back to the inn.
Sometimes Amarie felt preparing for a quest was half the challenge. She checked her packs once more as she strapped them onto Mystic’s saddle. She had packed three changes of clothes, a heavy wool blanket, a second pair of boots, her Mother’s journal on potions and salves, a bag of dried herbs, and the purchases from the General Store. Of course the mysterious package was tucked safely away among the folds of her clothes. Shiloh had even given her two loaves of bread and a small casket of ale. She too insisted Amarie take it as a gift.
Amarie had arranged for the remainder of her belongings to be kept in storage at the inn. In addition she had left a ring from her mother with Shiloh as collateral for her bill. By mid-afternoon Amarie was fully packed, her butterscotch mare was saddled, her sword newly sharpened and she was ready to depart. Amarie waved good-bye to Shiloh and Davelle as she led Mystic through the gates of Chevara.
Amarie made a quick stop at the Sapphire Lake to fill up her canteen and it was as she stood on the familiar shores that she realized she was going to miss the place. It wasn’t just the lake she would miss but also the people. Amarie realized her friends had become her makeshift family. Struggling for composure Amarie brushed at the tears threatening to spill over from her aquamarine eyes. Rapidly, she capped the canteen and attached it to her saddle. Amarie swung into the saddle and dug her heels into Mystic’s sides. Amarie galloped full speed away from Chevara and didn’t look back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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There should be a comma after "half elf and half human". Only half a century? That poor elf. How long do humans live?
"He" should not be capitilized, and a comma should follow "he said".
"think" should be capitilized. And people really enjoy giving her things at a cheap or free price.
This sentence should start with "but" or "yet"
It is kind of odd how everyone else seems to know so well what she's doing. I'm wondering why, but I'm sure you explain it eventually in the story.
Again, too rushed - there's no real sense of plot development here. Also, I find the fact that everyone seems to know the details of this 'prophecy' except her a bit annoying and odd. Annoying - because Amarie herself should KNOW what exactly she's about to embark on and odd because I got the sense in the beginning that it was supposed to be a hush, hush/ secret type thing that was not to be broadcasted in case someone from the 'other' side got wind of the details. And here in this chapter everyone is acting like she's just skipping out of the city for a vacation or something.
Toughen the piece up a bit. Also, if someone didn't have money to pay for thier purchase - I think they'd be a bit tougher on the individual. Maybe instead of selling a product that was top of the line, they'd offer a less expensive and probably less efficient model which could also enrichen the story down the road.
(ie: broken compass leads her astray and she finds herself ambushed by road thieves, during the tussel a lone stranger comes to her aid... blah blah blah).
Just a suggestion.